Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Back For Good

My last post was months ago, and I have been wanting so badly to hop back on here. So, my husband and I finally got the internet installed in our home. I am slowly catching up to normal society technologically and even more slowly, it seems, leaving the Flinstone world behind...
So I guess some catching up is necessary. My last post was a tear-filled one, shortly after losing our son. Since then, a lot has happened...

- I started working as a wrap around nanny for a family close by, which is made interesting because amongst their "normal" 13 yo boy, 11 yo boy and 5 yo girl, there's also an 8 yo down syndrome boy. So I'm always on my toes, but it seems to be working out well on both sides.

-I began writing a book, sort of a devotional, targeted mainly toward women with my uterine complications who have miscarried on how to keep living life through the strength of Christ, even when some days it's just hard to even get out of bed. I'm pretty excited about it, as I have dreamed of being an author since I was very very small. The book won't be able to be finished until after this new baby is born. The last chapters will be about continuing to heal during pregnancy and while having the newborn. That may sound strange or even cold, but really - when I think about holding a newborn in my arms, especially a little boy, I immediately break down. It is a heavy thing and scary! I know giving birth to this child is going to bring up a lot for me, and as not normal of a person I am, I know these feelings have got to be normal, but dealing with them is challenging. I just never want my son's legacy or what he brought to my family to be forgotten, but him being only a little 16 week "fetus" makes believing he won't be forgotten a huge challenge for me... I know I will never forget him, but I just wish and hope he made even a fraction of the huge impact he had on my life on other peoples' lives. Because his life and death were profound and pivotal in my own life. I hope this book transforms the hearts of families who have lost their precious babies, and enables them to delve even deeper into a love relationship with Christ.

Me and Marla celebrating

-Rob and I found out we are pregnant again on November 1st!! We are beyond excited. I don't think I've ever jumped so high as when I saw that extra line on the pregnancy test! I am now two weeks into my second trimester and it's been a rocky but blessed road so far... 
Cute little piggies!!

The Bean, 3 1/2 inches long, 3 little ounces.
(13 weeks gestation)
- Rob and I visited a specialist, who we now see every two weeks, and discovered I have uterine conditions a little "worse" than what we thought. So, along with see our tiny little Bean for a second ultrasound a little while back, we also learned I have what's called a "septate uterus". He determined that Nathaniel (our son that passed) was on the right side, which is what created his demise, and that this baby is also implanted on my right. My daughter, who is two now, made her home on my left side. Little did we know then what a mighty miracle she really is.

See the pretty uterus on the left? That's a normal one. 
See the pretty one on the right ? That's mine. 
Except the septum in the middle comes down lower for me. 
So we were thrown into scientific statistics, basically telling us our baby had about a 50/50 chance of survival until we hit the 17 week mark. Then we drop off to a 30% survival chance until we hit 24 weeks. And if all goes well until then, I am placed in a sweet little 45% chance of preterm delivery from 25 to 39 weeks. Of course this news brought up a whole lot for me and my poor husband, but we are Believers and daily choose not to be afraid. I do have my moments, and have had some scares so far, but I think that's part of being flesh and blood, and our fears give God room to move in our lives and prove, once again, that we really don't have to fear. He brings us peace everyday and everyday it gets easier to not think about it every second. We are standing on the solid rock of the Lord's promises!

-My baby girl turned two shortly after Christmas. We won't even go there. I just can't believe how time has flown. Really, it's out of control... I'm glad she still cuddles up or my heart would totally be broken by her growing so fast. Haha.

My beautiful girl, Marlaina Celestina

It sure has felt like my life has been a whole lot crazier than this lately, but this sums it up pretty much. Feel free to keep my family in your prayers and wait in anticipation with us for the miraculous delivery of our healthy sweet new baby. We seriously CAN NOT wait!

I'll be back a whole lot sooner now than the last time I left!